NMP3 & THE WEEK IN SEXIST NEWS

Honestly, ladies, we just can’t do anything right, can we? If we’re not seducing hapless little MPs with a seductive flash of knocker, we’re wantonly revealing parts of us that nobody must ever see, murdering babies and selfishly destroying our bodies by getting old. Whether we’re violently frumpy or so hot that men’s pants disintegrate, we’re Doing It All Wrong. Here in the Sexist Newsroom, we figured we would celebrate frumpy babies, disintegrate some MPs and flash in some men’s pants. Are you in? Of course you are. Now, read this for inspiration.

10) Culottes are always waiting to pounce 

Culottes are back for summer be inspired by Olivia Palermo and Caroline Flack s style Mirror Online

The Mirror, 15/05/2016

Oh for the love of all things menstrual. Is our media embroiled in some kind of sinister culotte trade involving sweat shops and yards of fabric that collude in your wardrobe malfunctioning? Everyone looks shit in culottes unless they’re seven feet tall and made entirely of leg, so please stop trying to persuade us to wear them. In their merging of the trouser and the skirt they’re like the sartorial equivalent of a spork; shit at being either, and doomed to rattle around at the back of the cupboard like the faux fur tank top I bought from Kay’s catalogue in 1998.

 

9) Beware of perverts, say perverts

Perverts can take naked photos of you through your TV UK News Daily Express

The Express, 19/05/2016
Faster than you can say ‘The Express news editors are frotting themselves insensible over the idea of hacking Carole Kirkwood’s Smart TV,’ the Express news editors are frotting themselves insensible over the idea that you can, somehow, hack into Smart TVs and watch people Doing It. This is of particular fascination to the Express news editors, as they’re trying very hard to earn their advanced pervert badges to impress Mr Desmond. In this piece we’d like to award extra marks for including a picture of a man who, for reasons that remain unclear, has chosen to wear a balaclava helmet while staring at a laptop that isn’t on.

 

If any hackers want to stare up my lady chimney while I’m watching my black and white Sanyo set, they’re welcome. I generally watch ‘Doctors,’ ‘Cash In The Attic’ and ‘Come Dine With Me’ in my beige crimplene housecoat and, if I’m feeling racy, enjoy a nice tart or shortbread finger.

 

8) Man writes about imaginary cat fight

Mariah Carey takes a swipe at Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj AGAIN Daily Mail Online

You know combovers? How men only have three strands of hair, stretched over a vast expanse of baldness and receive mockery and opprobrium in equal measure? This story is the equivalent of a combover. The Mail have taken a comment by a woman famous for doing a thing, about other women also famous for doing the same thing and hauled it across the shiny dome of total twatbadgery to hide the fact they don’t have a story. Oh, and to make you think that they aren’t bald. Or, in this case, make you think that only one famous woman is allowed to do a thing at a time, and that the others should, by rights, be dead or obscure. The Mail: bringing you news combovers since whenever.

 

7) Editorial tantrum

Celeb threesome STILL can’t be named as Supreme Court upholds draconian gagging order

The Sun, 19/05/2016

It’s unusual to find a story in The Sun that isn’t ‘evil woman says something evil’ or its obverse, ‘hot woman wears something hot/sweaty/tight/frumpy*,’ the latter of which has to avoid the distressing possibility that they might have to quote a woman who thinks that Rupert Murdoch now resembles one of his own ballsacks. But they’ve expended more words of outrage on this until, by the end, it’s just a thin, shrill weeeeeeeeeeeee of outrage that only dogs and people who actually pay for this smeg can detect.

 

The short version of this utter drivel is that the paper, and probably its sweaty-palmed readers, want to do a story about a celebrity threesome that nobody else gives a tuppenny jizz about. Why? They probably want to have a copious old toss over it, but are being prevented from fondling their news member by a court order which prevents the three celeb shaggers from being named.

 

Our only involvement here (as this one is admittedly not sexist) is that it thrills us to the faux whalebone in our foundation garments to see the newspaper equivalent of a sexist’s sweaty crevice being thwarted. The only thing that would cheer us more is seeing Kelvin MacKenzie being forced to eat back issues with a thistle salad, hope, as they say, springs eternal.

 

 *delete (or not) as appropriate.

 

6) Woman reveals absolutely fuck all

Weather girl camel toe mishap caught live on TV and beamed around the world Life Life Style Daily Express

Today on the bus I realised that the snug jumper I had bought from Asda was so skintight other passengers could see the clear outline of my ELBOW. I was absolutely mortified, even more so when I discovered that a greasy little tit who was bunking off school had videoed the whole thing and put it ON YOUTUBE. Will I never be free of people who realise I have ANATOMY? Oh the SHAME.

 

5) Career Feature

British prostitute answers intimate questions about being a sex worker Daily Star

Just as the Mail gets all Special thinking about female fertility and has to have a lie down after shooting out 500 words of misogynistic hategobble, the Star loves its sex workers. And when we say ‘loves,’ we means ‘uses to get a story that might give its readers something to take to the work toilets.’ Recent stories have featured the nice games of chess and pleasant chats they have with punters who are ‘ordinary blokes’ but The Star is, oddly, pretty uncritical of the chaps that are “offensive, rude and derogatory” and leave the women selling sex “falling apart as soon as [they] leave”.

Regardless, I for one think it’s great that they want to run profiles on women and their professions. I’m buying it every day because I want to read about a lady doctor or barrister, but perhaps I’m being optimistic. A Daily Star reader’s entitled wank is much the same as the Mail reader’s frothing hatred, and there’s no sign of either stopping any time soon.

 

4) Gimme gimme some Goving

Westminster s full of marriage wreckers like Serena Cowdy says SARAH VINE  Daily Mail Online

Sarah Vine is a gift to the nation. Just when you catch yourself wishing that Michael Gove would ‘accidentally’ end up in A&E wearing an ‘I love Jeremy Hunt’ T-shirt, she pipes up in a column that she doesn’t like sex anymore. So no joy for Little Michael it seems.

On a related note, in this somewhat hard-to-swallow epistle, she warns young women who are obviously, ALL PANTING FOR IT because they are HARLOTS, off her husband. This advice is a bit like telling people not to take a dog turd home and barbecue it, because anyone who would ever be within six feet of him and not projectile vomit in a way that makes The Exorcist look like a kids’ cartoon should be sedated.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM, she says, and adds that THEY ARE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL in a way that suggests she sees Serena Cowdy who has been intimately involved with two married male politicians, as some kind of malevolent enchantress who bewitches poor, hapless chaps with her nice dresses and waxed unmentionables. Vine calls the men fools, but her real bile is definitely saved for young, childless Laboutined women. When she’s done painting all the women in Westminster under 30 scarlet, she goes on to begrudge Angelina Jolie her mansion and gets all in a mardy lather at the thought of the Hemsley sisters’ toned thighs.

Sarah, you seem to have a few issues… do you want to talk about it? Y’know, before you go Full Liz Jones?

 

3) Corrections and clarifications

Jilted boyfriend threatened to send sex tape to his ex girlfriend s parents unless she paid back the 100 pounds he spent on her birthday presents

The Sun, 16/05/2016

Dear The Sun,

The far shorter and correct headline is – “Abusive man convicted of sexual offence”. You’re very welcome.

Warmest regards,

The Sexist Newsroom

 

2) Fresh plums anyone?

Mum shows off amazing change after hubby spent life savings on new body ‘push present’

The Sun, 18/05/2016

This story has inspired me to help a loved one. My boyf is really quite unhappy with the size of his testicles, largely because of the expectations heaped on him by society; bless him they’re like a pair of grapes and I know it upsets him. I’ve decided to buy a lottery ticket this week, for the first time in ages, and if I win I can buy him a new set of love spuds to replace the rubbish ones he has now.

 

1) ISABEL OAKESHOTT: My gold medal in the point-missing Olympics

Why midwife boss who wants abortion at ANY time must be fired writes ISABEL OAKESHOTT Daily Mail Online

“It would be lovely not to get personal about this” states Ms. Oakeshott, before going on to write a piece which must have left her laptop doused in hot, angry spit while she imagined fire, brimstone and women who don’t want to have ‘THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN’ (NB: we’re glad the Oakeshottlings are beautiful or The Mail might feature a piece critiquing them). If you have any grasp of reality, the only thing this piece will illustrate is that Isabel Oakeshott is only qualified to write agitated, preachy, sexist guff for the Daily Mail and then fasten herself to the sweaty underpinnings of vile, anti-choice, Tory wing-nut Nadine Dorries. This piece consists solely of thin and fatuous flailings, in print, about how women will be merrily aborting late term just because they’re having an off day if the nasty midwife lady gets her way. Do what you like with your own junk Oakeshott. But my clunge is my clunge. Back off.

 

 

There. Wasn’t that lovely? A tale of strumpets, perverts, pudendas and pregnancy. Who could ask for more? Well, Lord Justice Leveson did, and most people would probably prefer to be fairly represented, but oh – what are accuracy, fairness and ethics when one can partake of a delightfully torrid, hate-filled puff piece of women being utterly crap and a bit slutty instead?

We will be back next week. In the mean time, after this week’s furore, we’d love to introduce you to the important and crucial campaign organisation Abortion Rights. Click here to follow/support them.

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Ta-ra for now x

 



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