Welcome, dear readers. Pull up a footstool shaped like ball-gagged Kelvin Mackenzie trying to fellate himself, pour yourselves a glass of a cocktail we call Mother’s Twatted and ponder desperate tabloid writers in fear of the day someone says ‘let’s make it a free sheet and staff it with 15 year olds on work experience.’ We’ve arrived in Clickbait City where all you need for a story is a shit pun in the headline and a picture of someone’s pants. Breathe deeply, and drink liberally. We’re going in…
Imagine, for a moment, the thrill of getting a job as a journalist. Alright, it’s on Metro, the newspaper equivalent of UHT milk. Let’s not get uppity. You’ve watched ‘All The President’s Men’ and now, on your first day at work, you’re ready to bring down the government, break the power of the banks and expose crony capitalism for what it is. Then the editor asks you to write a story about Jennifer Lawrence having breasts, illustrated with a picture of her opening her mouth.
Us? We think that’s a bad day at the office that would involve you quietly setting aside your Dustin Hoffman or Robert Redford dreams and realising that you’ve actually just become the Brian Conley of British journalism. Next stop: writing funny animal captions, weeping and wishing you’d gone into teaching.
7) Sporting chance
Here are two stories about female athletes doing what they’re supposed to and being all excellent and stuff. Crowds. Medals. Sweat. Tears. Just the kind of thing that a paper that prides itself on its sports coverage likes to cover. You know, like The Sun. Perhaps they have interviews with the players and the record-breaking crowd. Or they’ve spoken to Eilidh Doyle. Nah. They think that the only reason why Barry Onanist, their average reader, cares about women’s sport is tits and possibly a flash of bush. So they wrote this instead:
We don’t know who Gigi Hadid is, she’s probably nice and all, but FTLOAF, The Sun, women often do more than tit about in clothes to look good in other clothes. Send someone to a fucking women’s football match, preferably not one of your heaving pests who would spend the whole time saying ‘corr blimey’ at the women in shorts.
6) There was an ‘old’ woman who lived in a… patriarchy riddled with doubles standards
Pardon us for pointing out the most glaring double standard since David Cameron removed his genitals from a pig’s mouth to address the world on corruption and general moral collapse, but why is this news? If a man had spooned aside his gut and held his Comb Over in place for long enough to have sex with a girl young enough to be his daughter, he’s a total ‘player.’ If a woman does it, she’s a total nymphomaniac and should be shot in the arse with a tranquiliser dart before she rubs her muff against your son. Three cheers for equal press representation! Oh…
5) Next week the ‘made redundant’ body…
Sorry, have we missed a memo? To us a ‘heartbreak body’ is one that goes to the chip shop in her slippers and has a cod AND a spam fritter, rather than someone who engages in a punishing exercise routine, but life is all about being proved wrong. Also, you don’t wear the ring, but stick it on a used tampon and hurl it from a friend’s Ford Fiesta onto his front lawn at three in the morning after drinking kiwi flavoured 20/20, but there’s no accounting for the younger generation. Or the person who wrote this witless blather, either. Heartbreak body, my VAST arse.
4) Men who work for the Mail in ‘liking short skirts’ shocker
The Daily Mail, 6/05/2016
TWISN revealed that it asked some men what they’d prefer: having an opinion on what we were wearing, or being allowed to live and not having their arms torn off and being beaten with the wet ends, and they amazingly chose life. The Mail did something similar, foolishly without threatening them with death, and they chose ‘simple,’ which sounds like Joey Essex and ‘bright’ which sounds like a cheap glow stick. So there you go, ladies. Turn up to a date with Joey Essex and a glow stick, and you’re guaranteed a baffled fingering in the car park.
3) Well done or rare?
The Daily Express, 11/05/2016
With so many conflicting messages and opinions, it can be tough for a bloke to know: “what is it that women really look for in a modern man?” It’s almost as though woman are all different people who may or may not be attracted to attracted to different things. What the Express, or the sad bubble of ordure who is paying in its cheques, wants to know, is who are men supposed to pretend to be in order to obtain sex?
Apparently “home skills” are high on the list. This startling revelation suggesting as grown ups we seek other grown ups capable of at least feeding and clothing themselves and not living in their own shit seems right up there with opposable thumbs. The Express, however, chose to illustrate “home skills” with a man doing a thumbs up next to some giant knitting, which will hardly be of use to its eight readers none of whom will know what a haberdashery or a cashmere mix is.
Meanwhile, only a third of women surveyed who didn’t answer ‘Go away!’, ‘Who is this funny little man?’, or laugh themselves into a nervous spasm when the newspaper announced that men should be able to look after their own children. And if you want a reason why the people who write this column drink heavily and shout at bollards, gentle reader, there it is.
2) Not today The Mail, I’ve got a conscience
Someone called Tracey Cox, who is a ‘sexpert,’ which basically means that she has an arts degree and did an evening class in psychology which she can’t quite make relevant, has said that you’re never to busy for sex. Unless you’re actually at work, looking after children or laying into a box of Toffifee in front of Countryfile. Tracey also says that some excuses are poor, as though if you’re not panting for it 25 hours a day and rubbing yourself against the furniture, you’re Less Of A Woman. How about saying ‘I don’t want to,’ and seeing a partner who pesters you as an emotional manipulator with the mental age of 12. How about that?
1) Woman wears appropriate footwear for circumstances. SCOOP!
Sweet cocking wall of FUCK. A woman has VOLUNTARILY worn a FLAT SHOE to work on TV. We need to HOLD THE FRONT PAGE and all vibrate with fear. Are you vibrating? No, neither are we. Fiona Bruce did something medical to one of her lower extremities and now she’s wearing taupe trainers, this ‘newspaper’ says with the wide-eyed breathlessness of the kid who had the Barbie car and yet remained vile and unlike-able and who you were forced to play with because your newly single mum wanted to diddle her dad. Colour me indifferent, but I don’t care what people wear on their feet, whatever the reason.
Speaking of which, Nicola Thorp has started a petition to make it illegal to say that women should have to wear heels to work. Seeing as the only situation in which you should wear heels involves multiple bars, eight cocktails and public urination, we agree. You can sign it here:
See? Wasn’t that fun. And right at the end, they told you how you need a jolly good excuse not to wear heels, just like that Fiona Bruce does. We bet if she had a chip pan fire, she’d come to the door in Loboutins and something figure-hugging, but NEVER tarty. Because we don’t really care, we’re wearing a New Balance trainer that smells like a squirrel has done something unspeakable in it and a pair of socks that we got from the British Heart Foundation shop because we needed change. If you’re not drinking, you should be, and if you are, give us chance to catch up. We’ll all feel better soon.