Well, isn’t this nice? It’s May, the weather is getting warmer and the massed masturbators of Fleet Street are getting ready with their PHEW, WHAT A SCORCHER headlines and splendidly leery stories about women wearing short skirts (corrr) but rubbish knees (buy this special lotion made from ground up L’oreal bottles, nettles and badger’s tears). Before then, however, we have a delectable, pre-summer diet of camel toes, clothes, 57 year old women and AGEING FACES to enjoy. Remember, ladies, whatever it is, it’s probably all your fault and you shouldn’t be enjoying it. Except we say you should. Pour yourself a stiff one, break open the biscuits and enjoy this smorgasbord of cat sick…
11) Bonus bit of bum
This week saw a landmark in the history of journalists who think they’re Royal correspondents but in actual fact just describe literally what is in front of them. Thanks to Rebecca English, the Writing About What I See correspondent of the Daily Mail, users of Twitter were treated to a ten second video of – wait for it – Kate Middleton from the back. Maybe the journalist felt that Kate’s sister’s rear view was getting all the attention, or maybe it’s sarcastic because she’d said ‘yoohoo Kate!’ but was ignored, or most likely since Mrs Future Queen has essentially been relegated to royal clothes-horse who may or may not be SPOOKILY like Diana, actually seeing her face or hearing anything she has to say is just an unnecessary faff, especially since she’s popped out a nice male heir. All in all it’s just extra evidence, should we need it, that the Mail are so off their tits on the monarchy, they would print a photo of a crusty hanky if they thought the Duchess had used it for a good snotty blow.
10) Bit of skirt
The Mirror, 05/05/2016
No, The Mirror, in your quest to join the inane media circus that is documenting every single nanosecond of Kim Kardashian’s life, you’ve let one of your journalists fall victim to a common tabloid affliction, ‘outfit blindness’ a.k.a. ‘drivel overload’. Despite professing to be the ‘intelligent tabloid’, you’ve failed to protect your staff from being exposed to so much pointless toss that they can no longer distinguish between different items of clothing. Unless, I’m suffering from the above after ‘researching’ too much Sexist News and am actually failing to see that Kanye West is wearing a skirt and cream lace-up outerwear basque?
9) Bloody Tights
The Telegraph, 05/05/2016
OMG! *breathes deeply into paper bag* thank God The Torygraph is here to help us navigate that tricky period when the weather gets warmer and we might want to let our Actual Skin have access to the air. You could read about how to wear cullottes, quirky socks (just fuck off) and midi skirts (top tip: we normally wear clothes by, well, putting them on), we suggest you spend the time giving zero fucks while dressing exactly how you want to dress. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wipe the yoghurt off my PJ’s so that I don’t need to walk around Tesco looking like I’m covered in sick.
8) Sorry love, I’m washing my hair WRONG
The Daily Mail, 27/04/2016*
We’ve been washing our hair all wrong. I can’t believe I’ve gone so many years washing my hair with no guidance. Why wasn’t this on the National Curriculum? Thank goodness for hair washing experts. I’d been washing it in a puddle with furniture polish while performing extreme kegels. I just can’t get anything right. Fortunately, the Daily Mail are here to shame me about this as well. Let’s hope nobody tells them about that time I did the most rancid fart that had ever been smelled in the Leicester Odeon and blamed it on my friend’s guide dog.
*We know this is last week’s but we missed it then and well, we thought you all needed to know that you’re shit at washing your own hair. You’re welcome.
7) Hot woman slightly less hot than a pig?
The Daily Mail, 05/05/2016
“Jay looks happy as a pig in poo whilst flaunting his golden bod on a beach. He exhibited his abs in a dayglow pair of swimming shorts which highlight his bronzed muscular frame….” as this article might have gone were it written for a ladies’ special fun mag. As it is, this is supposedly a mainstream newspaper that wanted you to notice and, presumably, hate Tamara Ecclestone and think that she’s so dull a brainless boy is preferring to stare at the local wildlife. In next week’s instalment, Tamara introduces a range of swimwear for mice (while looking hot, the bitch) while Jay Rutty McShort-shorts picks his nose.
6) Primordial Girl
The Daily Mail, 03/05/2016
Madonna 57 blah blah blah the 57 year old blah blah blah ALMOST 60 blah blah blah SHE’S 57! Queen of Pop 57 blah blah blah did we mention she’s 57? We’re not judging, we’re just pointing out how 57 the 57 year old is, which is 57. Also watch the video of the 57 year old doing a traditionally non-57 year old thing. Note to subs: can you put in something about her geriatric growler and how she’s probably got too much flesh on show? Could you also put in a reminder that she’s 57, without judgement, that’s just a fact. Lots of love, editorial.
5) Grown woman looks older than when she was 9 shocker
The Express, 05/05/2016
The Express are clearly working on a research paper documenting the relative rate of decay of anyone (preferably women) who may have even the vaguest brush with fame. If the word ‘THIS’ can be made to go massive through the clever use of capital letters, the news desk seem to think that it correctly conveys what they’re thinking but don’t have space to print, namely LOOK AT HOW THIS PERSON WHO WAS ONCE YOUNG IS NOW OLDER AND THINK ABOUT THE FACT, REALLY THINK, THAT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO SHAG HER. But they may soon run out of humans to REVEAL. Next week ‘Remember the Shake And Vac advert? THIS is what the hoover looks like now’.
4) Laugh till you (don’t) die
The Express, 05/05/2016
Good old hypocrisy. The same newspaper which tells you that, if you want to LIVE FOREVER, you’ll need to do contortionist yoga squats, eat five Weetabix before sicking them up round the back of Netto, toke on a mung bean bong, have a cat spit facial and pour superheated Actimel up your arse crevice, is now telling you something else. It tells you to laugh. And what better way of making yourself laugh than by reading Richard ‘Porno’ Desmond’s autobiography, or buying the Express on a daily basis for a month and laughing until you weep for humanity.
3) The Sun makes us want to gag generally
Oh, where do we start? Is it that the ‘hooker’ who had ‘Little Wayne’ pushed into her by a footballer doesn’t get a name? Is it the mindless use of the word ‘romped’ as though they just cavorted around in furry playsuits with bunny ears? Perhaps. But maybe it’s the fact that John ‘Spanky’ Whittingdale’s numerous clunkers such as going out with someone he professes he didn’t know was a professional dominatrix and accepting hospitality from some form of stiffie-facilitation parlour in the name of research didn’t reach the paper. Remember, ladies: rich and famous boys can do what they want to who they want, but if we do it, we’ll be lucky to be accorded a surname.
2) REVEALED women have genitals
News just in: the super, soaraway Star can exclusively reveal that women don’t have penises. They don’t know exactly what women do have, because they’ve never actually seen one in the flesh, but staring really closely at their crotches until the underside of their desks gets a good buffing has yielded this anal spasm of a feature. Their solution is to tape something that looks a lot like a triangular Elastoplast to your flaps just in case anyone guesses YOU HAVE A FURRY CHUFF, but just in case you inexplicably don’t want to do this, then try one of our methods:
- Burn all your leggings and wear clown trousers. (If this appears in Vogue as a Thing, remember you saw it here first).
- Become a ventriloquist and make sure the dummy is always covering your special area
- Wear a sandwich board that says “I do not have camel toe”
- Make a feature of your camel toe by rubbing a Pritt Stik (other glue sticks are available) over your nether area and then dust with glitter.
- Other options include adorning it with the christmas baubles that have yet to go back up in the loft, or wearing a t-shirt with a downward pointing arrow that says ‘MY TWAT’
1) Let’s rename Murdoch’s flagship publication The Bum
Dear Tony Gallagher,
We entreat you to take a few moments off from editing The Sun, or crying onto the shoulder of Dave Dinsmore’s shiny suit because you’re not allowed to print the name of a man who shagged a sex worker, or in some way making humanity look like a joke even Jim Davidson would think was a bit off. We have a simple task for you. Or rather, we hope it’s simple enough for you. If not, ask that nice Mr Murdoch or the delight that is Rebecca Brooks, after all we’d warmly welcome their enthusiastic participation. Please follow the five steps below in sequence:
• Select a nice robust pine cone and a good, hard meat tenderiser
• Make sure you have a torch and both hands
• Locate your arse
• Gently work the pointy end of the pine cone into your anal cavity.
• Using the meat tenderiser, knock away at the end of said pine cone until it’s firmly lodged within your person.
Well, wasn’t that fun? On our walk through Newstown, stiff one in hand, the message seems to be that you’re doing it all wrong, whatever it is, and that getting older is nature’s way of saying you should have been born with a penis. The fact you haven’t means that lots of men can stare at you and decide whether they’d wank over you and you better hope they will. Except these really are the plaintive farts from a dying industry circling the plughole of its own oblivion. Take heart, dear readers. Have another stiff one or six, wear something violently ill-considered, fart in the lift and remember to irritate someone to the edge of reason. Next stop, next week. Toodle-oo.
If you’ve not already we totally recommend as an antidote to all this sexist balderdash, that you check out GIRL UP the new book from the fantabulous Laura Bates. FYI Includes tap-dancing vaginas.