This week has honestly been a real shitter hasn’t it?
Women, sisters, fellow feminist wonders, we stand in joint perplexity and in solidarity with you all in the face of what has been the bad, the sad and the downright absurd.
This week we have reluctantly said goodbye to a true hero. A woman who proved that working class women could be absolutely sidesplittingly funny, warm and genuine all at once. We have lost yet another music icon and have endured the reality of a seemingly FUBAR judicial system.
We thought about having a week off in the face of it all, and then we thought about our Vic. A woman who, in the midst of the grief over the end of her marriage wrote a whole bloody West End musical. So we thought BOLLOCKS TO THAT.
Therefore, in honour of Bren and the “Dinnerladies”, of “Two Soups” and “Is it on the Trolley?”, in memory of the already missed Ms Wood, here is The Week in Sexist News!
10) JANET STREET ORTERKNOWBETTER or Don’t meddle wi’ modellin’ Middleton…
Usually I’m less than interested in our most famous family on benefits, but I was forced to put down my coffee so I didn’t lob it at the wall when I saw this arse dribble from the Independent. Last time I checked, Wills can go about doing his royalling in whatever the flob he wants to wear (which, let’s face it, is normally a shirt and tie or polo shirt, so not exactly exciting or cutting edge), and nobody bats an eyelid. But Kate, it seems, is just for decoration, like the human equivalent of a jaunty hat or shiny medal for old Wills.
Frankly, what is embarrassing, Street-Porter, is your preoccupation with Kate Middleton’s holiday wardrobe. We’ve already got The Mail parping on about how shit her frocks are, we don’t need more people dribbling cat wee into our collective consciousness. Sort it out Janet, no one wants to be a low-rent Sarah Vine – that’s her job.
9) YEAH THANKS, SCIENCE
Independent, 03/02/2016 (repost via Independent on Facebook)
Scientists have discovered what causes that cataclysmic and debilitating affliction known as “resting bitch face”…… dun dun duuuuh!!!
Reading this bullshit perhaps? Oh… this is real science stuff? Oh well I won’t be able to understand that then because I have a laggy lady brain, so I’ll just go with it because it uses less muscles than smiling like a Cheshire cat to please every Tom, Dick and plaid twat badger that walks by gawping. Oh but, I should be exercising all my muscles at every opportunity, lest I develop any fat anywhere about my person; it says so in my ‘Being a Lady’ manual.
You’ll notice there is no “resting dickhead face”, oh no… We call that “smouldering”!?
Anyway, it turns out that despite the dodgy headline (the Independent seemingly having discovered “clickbait”), this is more or less the eventual conclusion of the article. Except with less swearing, obviously.
8) BAG BABY
Phew. What with Kate Middleton being such a fashion letdown, it’s a good thing her niece knows how to be a proper girl! Either she’s displaying Mail-approved feminine fashion sense or that kid is a lacklustre klepto. Someone needs to tell her the Queen doesn’t carry any cash.
Daily Mail, 19/04/2016
WIMMIN!!!! What are you doing sitting around with that baby? You could be doing squats rights now. In fact you should have started a long time ago. In the labour suite in fact, as soon as the sprog was popped out and they’d stitched you up.
What do you mean you’re exhausted? You’ve been sitting around on that massive ball thingy all day. Get energised you slacker!!
Next week in Femail ……crotchless lycra*!! For all those non-lazy mothers who want to start thrashing themselves back to pre-baby glory whilst in labour. Go on gals: feel the burrrrrrrrrn.
*With free handy afterbirth wipes and a pack of intimate wax strips in case there’s a handsome doctor on call. Wink wink.
6) EGGING US ON
Daily Mail, 16/04/2016
The Daily Mail continue in their quest to remind all women over the age of 30 that their uteri are all dry and leathery like a bunch of empty, saddlebags. Remember, ladies, nothing is more important than getting up the duff young. But not too young, or you’re everything that is wrong with this country. And don’t do it too much, unless you’re well off. But having just one is selfish. But being a stay-at-home mum is lazy. But having a job is selfish. And abortion… well, *crosses self*. Oh fuck it. Paul Dacre – just roll your latest issue up into a slim tube and pop it up your pipe.
5) DEFYING DOO
Daily Mail, 16/04/2016
Dear Daily Mail, this is not defying odds. Defying odds would be walking unscathed thorough a den of lions, making it through an episode of Call the Midwife without the need for a tissue, or successfully making a rape conviction that sticks against a man with wealth and influence. Not having frizzy hair is just……..products?!
Journos at The Express – why are you worrying about the future? You and your mate Richard Desmond make the present fucking creepy.
3) DON’T SWEAT IT
The Sun, 20/04/2016
Guurrrrls! We don’t need to get all sweaty and bother ourselves with the extremes of physical endurance like achieving Heptathlon golds and winning the Rugby World Cup or winning the Ashes in 2013 or again in 2014. The Sun, it seems, is happy to dish out both column inches and silver medals on the basis of mammary glands.
Such a shame for the poor blokes though. They’re still getting out of puff and kicking balls around just to get any coverage. I mean, they are so worn out the poor chaps that they seem to be having a bit of bother winning at anything… Just as well the women are having a rest to let them catch up.
2) BALL BOY
The Sun, 19/04/2016 & 22/04/2016
I want to firstly flag up the issue that Holly Willoughby said she didn’t want to see Dyer’s spam nugget, yet he flashed her any way. I’ll leave that thought sitting here, like a sad, clammy ball bag escaped from a trouser and unable to get back in.
Anyway, the main thing I’ll deal with is The Sun’s double standards regarding junk size. Now, flashing aside, I’m very happy that Danny is so proud of his bollock. He’s championing scrotal diversity, which is great for all the boys who may have one nut the size of a grape and the other the size of a cricket ball, for instance. I know a few chaps thusly be-bollocked. However, why is the size of a blokes lunchbox something to wow at in awe, but a big ol’ fanny Not So Much. Even the sight of the mere shape of one seems to make The Sun journos come over all unnecessary, as you can see here:
In The Female Eunuch Germaine Greer said archly ‘no woman wants to know she has a twat the size of a horse collar’ and yet, surely a voluminous wizard’s sleeve is the most practical? After all there are all those blokes who claim to have MASSIVE wangs, and everyone’s allegedly gagging for it so wouldn’t we all be more ergonomic that way? Also, doesn’t matter what I do, there’s never enough room in my bag for my Filofax, so an accommodating twunt would be quite advantageous…
1) BULLY BOY
The Sun, 18/04/2016
We should probably cover this piece of absolute fuckwittery from human jizzpuddle Kelvin MacKenzie; a piece that is so pointlessly vile we had to spend several hours on Buzzfeed looking at photographs of puppies tilting their heads to calm us down afterwards.
This journalistic equivalent of playground bullying, which included the frankly childish, ‘Ms Moffatt reveals that the doc also said her BMI was too high. He didn’t have the courage to mention her BMB — Bloody Massive Bum’, should be met with an appropriate adult response……………
Hm. Turns out there isn’t one.
I’d rather have a big bum than a cankerous bucket of pus where my humanity should be, so nob off, MacKenzie. And when you get there, continue nobbing off some more. P.S. Hillsborough.
Oh beloved newspaper journos, how you have soldiered on this week in the face of the adversity. Yes, despite what what might appear at first glance to be important issues: whether the UK will remain in Europe; whether to send troops to Libya; whether or not the PM might resign over ‘those’ allegations (sorry which one now? Pig Gate? No. Islamophobia? No. Stashing money abroad whilst claiming benefits on a second home? Oh yeah THAT one), our valiant journalists have relentlessly pushed on with their far more important agenda – the breakdown of which women are going on dates, taking holidays and fag breaks or being generally rubbish. They will still be here next week and therefore so will we.