Once again this week Our Friends at the Press, concerned that women are getting off way too lightly with this PC ‘liberation’ stuff, have stepped in selflessly to remind us all just how SHIT wimmin really are. In an effort to put us firmly back in our place they have presented us with a veritable turd tornado, spewing out the most heinous of our crimes against humanity. They even make a stab at punitive measures by encouraging us to lather onions around our eyes…I swear we’re not making this shit up!!
So hold onto your bonnets guuurrrls and prepare yourselves for the shameful, the ‘appallingly’ behaved and the downright backstabbing best of women in the news!
10) COMPETITIVE COW!
Ooooo we do love it when the Mail get their sweaty mitts on a study. Especially one that has conclusive ‘proof’ that women are just a bunch of back-stabbing, hatchet-faced cowbags in Next skirt suits. (Although in fairness, I used to work in Waterstone’s and on quiet days we’d play surreptitious games of Top Trumps: it could get fucking nasty…)
This is just another wonderful example of “men are like this and women are like this so get over yourselves and just accept you’ll never get a seat at the table”. But that’s okay, because we can spend our time gurning at telephones and supporting each other instead. Hurrah! Thanks Daily Mail, I’ll stop trying to do a good job and just wander around the office hugging random females instead. Actually, that sounds kind of nice…
9) THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE NON-EXISTENT
Daily Star, 13/04/2016
The most important thing you need to know about this (and you really DON’T need to know about this) is that she isn’t real. Nope, the perfect woman is a a figment of the imagination, made up of what men think is the ideal woman. Although only what she’d look like obviously.
Nobody has ever asked me what the perfect woman is, but if they did I’d say she’d have to be good with drinking a shit load of wine whilst still able to have essential in-depth and important discussions about the EU, feminism and the plot intricacies of Star Wars.
While the readers of the Star rub their thighs and salivate over a composite hologram woman, we’re running a book on how long it takes the journos to contemplate the futility of their work, throw in the towel and start a sanctuary for rescued llamas. Ready? Money’s on three weeks.
8) THEY DON’T EVEN TELL US HOW TO GET THERE
The Sun, 10/04/2016
“Shamed women caught behaving badly under the influence have been slapped with £80 fines by police.”
Shamed women. Wait, were they shamed before, or was that you, just then, in this heinous, bloated blamefest of an article?
But really – thanks, The Sun, I’m glad we finally know where all the drunk women of Britain live. I have a few more important questions for you though:
Do they only live there when they’re drunk?
Where do all the drunk men live?
Does anybody care?
Be honest – were you just looking for a reason to use that upskirt shot?
7) I’LL GET ME COAT
Daily Telegraph, 14/04/2016
“Is Kate emulating Princess Diana by rewearing her favourite outfits on royal tour?” Probably not, Daily Telegraph. It’s probably just you journos who keep a creepy file of Royal ensembles to leaf through when you’re feeling the impact of the soulless void in which you operate. Also, most normal people wear clothes more than once; it’s just a thing people do. You can imagine the thought process in the Telegraph newsroom though:
“Right. Woman wears clothes more than once. What’s the wordcount Pete? …Erm, right. Kate wore a coat. It was yellow. Bhutan’s flag’s got yellow in it, so that’s probably why. Ermmmm…. Oh, yeah, Diana reference… Diana also wore clothes more than once.
Nailed it. Anyone for a cheeky Nandos?”
6) TITS YOUR BIRTHDAY
Daily Mail, 14/04/2016
Like predatory hyenas, these frothy mouthed journos barely waited days after Ariel’s 18th birthday before they declared open season with this gratuitous and utterly unnewsworthy ‘article’. Just in case anyone was unclear, young women are apparently fair game for pervy anonymous paps. At 17 this wouldn’t have been allowed, but at 18 Ariel’s body has become property of news editors whose moral compass broke so long ago it’s still telling them that Sam Fox posing topless as a school girl was ‘harmless fun’. Apart from sending the message loud and clear that women have no rights over their own bodies this article is about as much news as…..
5) BRIEF(LESS) ENCOUNTER
Joan: ‘Ditches’. She left her underwear at home…? Silly woman.
Maud: There are so many things that I hate about this article I don’t even know where or how to start!
Iris: The fact that we have to refer to it as an ‘article’ instead of ‘small, whistling web fart’ being one of them…?
4) WOMEN IN SPORT?!
The Sun, 10/04/2016
Two models, a midwife and a teacher are preparing themselves for a life in which their own identity, achievements and persona will be erased by the title “Wife and Girlfriend” (that’s simultaneous wifeing and girlfriending. Is that with the same man… or…?) Because all women who romantically attach themselves to footballers (except women footballers) will suddenly find their entire education and career to be invalid. “Sorry love, I don’t really care how many babies you delivered at the weekend; your tits look lovely in that frock”.
Make the most of it though, hey, ladies because frankly this is the best coverage of “women in sport” that we can expect.
3) LADIES WHEYHEY DAY
Daily Mail, 14/04/2016
So what I’m getting from this article is that Aintree needs more chairs, judging by the 20 separate photos of women sitting on the floor. I mean it’s supposed to be a posh do right, but where are the seats?? Couldn’t they even have provided a few benches? If I was going to don a frock and ‘towering’ heels it would be to go somewhere where I could sit down periodically on a chair. I digress, this article is clearly not about seating arrangements at Aintree but rather about shaming women for dressing up and having a good time, really…. HOW INTERESTING!!!! As for wanky Will’s insightful comments on what women wore, I’m surprised more of them didn’t tell him to knob the fuck off!!!
2) WHAT SHALLOT OF RUBBISH
The Sun, ??/04/2016
‘Eyebrows looking sparse? Technician nowhere to be seen? Fear not: we have the answer. Simply sprinkle a liberal amount of onion seed above each eyebrow, water, get plenty of sunshine and allow to grow. Your friends won’t be able to stop talking about your lush new brow locks.’
Okay, okay, so we made that up. The REAL article involves rubbing onion juice into your eyebrows for five minutes a day, somehow without getting it near your eyes?!?! Somebody is taking the piss here surely? An editor at the Sun somewhere is having a giggle on the newsroom floor: “Let’s see if we can actually make those silly, vain women put onions on their eyes. It’ll be fun!”
(On a related note, if we need a technician just for our eyebrows what hope is there for the rest of us? I’d need a consultant just for my nostril hair. By the time we get to my arse I’ll need a whole team.)
1) OH TOT OFF!
Daily Mail, 14/04/16
Hold that tribunal!! Scrap the equality laws!! Isabel Oakeshott was here this week to tell us all – in that paragon of all things sensible and level headed, The Daily Mail – that we are all making far too much fuss about the little things… you know… like sexual assault and sexual harassment in the work place. Yes, apparently we all just need to get over ourselves and have a sense of humour about it and life will be so much better all around.
So there we are Laydees: the systemic sexism and toxically off-putting environment of Westminster will be best remedied if we simply let these poor men carry on with their banter and bottom pinching and OH GOOD GRIEF I can’t cope with any more of these absurd thought turds from DM journos.
To save you the pain, she goes and and on and on about this for over 1200 words and THEN accuses the perfectly sensible journalist who made a formal complaint of “whining”…… Call me a space taxi I’m leaving the planet!! Better still send the Winebulance!!
So there we are: another week of journalistic fuckwittery has passed us by, somehow entirely missing the actual news that International stars Australian captain Meg Lancing and New Zealand Skipper Suzi Bates have been signed to two of our women’s Superleague cricket teams for the summer; and in football England kept their bid for European qualification on track, beating Bosnia Herzegovina 1-0.
Somewhere in a parallel universe containing fewer men in Lacoste polo shirts with raised collars, there is a newspaper with fabulous images of all these women, doing their stuff.
Gawd forbid that should make it through the tabloid bullshit filter though; then we’d been danger of boosting women’s confidence, and there might also be far less opportunity for upskirt shots. It’s a public service really…
Before we bid you au revoir, can we ask you to follow the link to save our sisters from soiling their frocks and get Aintree some bloody CHAIRS! www.aintreeneedschairs.co.uk 😉
‘Til next time!