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NMP3 & The Week In Sexist News 08/04/2016

Another week, another pile of utter dross from those we call “tabloid NEWSpapers”. This week’s excitement is, quite unsurprisingly, mostly centered around those most beloved of female pursuits: being thin and having good hair. Preferably both at the same time, and whilst performing the multitude of other tasks we have to contend with in our day-to-day lives. As always, it’s been hard to whittle it down to the worst ten, but take a deep breath and grab your sick bags. ’cause here we go:

10) Push Off

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The Telegraph, 07/04/2016

This article is so bizarre. I didn’t even know that Bradford had a countess, much less that she could deliver your baby and then feed you foie gras afterwards. Also, ‘Too posh to push’ isn’t a thing, Telegraph. Stop trying to make it a thing.

9) Eyes Wide Shut?

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 Daily Mail, ?06/04/2016

You know that incredible feeling when an 8 year-old girl smiles and gushes ‘I’m going to be an astronaut or maybe the prime minister or maybe both,’ and you think ‘Wow, this women’s equality movement malarkey is really getting somewhere’? Well this front page story in the Mail, which slags off Nicole Kidman’s clothes, is the opposite of that.

8) Thanks, but no Spanx…

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Daily Mail, 07/04/2016

We’ll apologise in advance, dear readers, because this one had us confused, and then it turned into a bit of a Newsroom rant. Okay, a lot of a rant. It went something like this:

Cath: Since when has having absolutely no evidence on you that you might be a human become fashionable?
Joan: I think it’s called ‘Cardboard cut-out chic’
Maud: Well I don’t know about you lot, but I flinch at the thought of wearing underwear that makes it impossible to pee, while promoting thrush.
Alys: I had a pair of those once. They do indeed create a very smooth silhouette, but you can’t eat more than 2 small vol-au-vents whilst wearing them, and I nearly always ended the evening in something that felt like the beginnings of kidney failure. True story.
Joan: I love vol-au-vents…. I couldn’t stop at two. They’d have to get the jaws of life out for me to get the Spanx off.
Alys: Joan dear, think of your silhouette!
Priscilla: Can you imagine the distress you would feel if you didn’t have a smooth silhouette?
Joan: When did “Silhouette” become a thing? Now my shadow has to be smooth and skinny….?
Jess: I’m pretty sure the last time I sat down, the skin on my belly folded. Isn’t that the point of skin? Now you’re telling me that we have to be smooth and shiny? Are we to become robots? Is that what the Terminator movies were really all about…?

Hear that, Nicole? Spandex is the secret to looking good no matter what you’re wearing. The Daily Mail said so: as long as you have a smooth outline, you can’t go wron… Oh.

7) Gastric Man?

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Daily Express, 05/04/2016

Oh thank god. For a minute there we thought a woman may have made some choices about her own life, but it’s fine: it was all down to a man. Stand down everyone. Stand down.

 

6)  Are you a BIRD? Are you a PLANE?

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Daily Express, 05/04/2016

I always thought being a good mum was about creating a nurturing, supportive and loving environment within which your offspring will flourish into happy and productive adult humans, but no. Thanks to the Express for this revelatory list of ‘perfect’ mum attributes from the ‘experts’ at some chocolate-crap company, I now know it’s all about wearing heels on the school run and making sure your son’s mates wanna shag you.

And let me just get one other thing straight… Superman gets to have X-ray vision, the ability to fly and turn back time, and SUPERMUM gets to carry tissues? Hand me the gin.

 

5) Sexual EnTINDERment

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The Sun, 06/04/2016

This strange interpretation of sexual dynamics was brought to you by The Sun. I mean, I feel betrayed by the Tory party on an almost hourly basis, but never have I felt that I should have the right to bang Boris as a result… (Oh god, why did I say Boris and not one of those “hot” Tories, like Theresa May?)

 

4) The Big Bang Theory 

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Daily Mail, 06/04/2016

Daily Mail, intrepid purveyors of dodgy science, have uncovered another gem here: It seems the reason STEM jobs have so few women is not due to systemic sexism at all, but is merely because of our laydee tendencies to try and attract a man cleverer than us.

At least I think that’s what it says, but I don’t really GET science…

 

3) The HAIR from HELL!!

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The Sun, 06/04/2016

This article reminds me of an argument I had in a club once when a girl trod on my foot and I said, rather politely, “Would you mind awfully removing your foot from mine?” She snorted a dastardly retort, “Puhhaa! You, with all your SPLIT ENDS!!” I was obviously completely mortified by such a heinous attack. Not sure it’s worth a whole few hundred words in one of the country’s largest circulating NEWSpapers though, hey?

 

2) Hair She Goes…image

 

Daily Mail, 06/04/2016

It’s possible that Chelsy Davy has officially changed her name to “Prince Harry’s ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy”, but that feels unlikely. Anyway, in epic breaking news from our friends at The Mail, Chelsy had a hair in her mouth and removed it. It’s this kind of investigative journalism that makes our press so relevant and important. As we speak, those dedicated journos are sifting through 11.5 million pictures of people who may be vaguely removing things from their mouths in public, in order to find the money shot of Samantha Cameron and a stray offshore pube. Keep up the good work journos, we need you.

 

1) It’s Just Not Cricket

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Daily Express, 05/04/2016

In women’s sport this week our newspapers have extensive coverage of the build-up to the women’s FA cup semi-final this weekend, interviews with England Women’s Netball team who are going full-time in an effort to win the World Cup Final, and full-page coverage of Britain’s Lizzie Armitstead’s triumph in a sprint finish to win the women’s Tour of Flanders for the first time.

They what???

Nahhhhh don’t be silly; they didn’t cover any of that. But they did find a video of this model playing tennis in a bikini. No mention of whether she’s any good at tennis, but they do comment on her massive tits, so all is well with the world. 

 

And last but not least, this week’s Special Mention goes to this bucket of drivel:

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Laaayyyydeees don’t forget that you MUST look hot whilst you’re getting hot in the gym trying to make your body hot. HOT….because hot is your ultimate goal, not fitness or wellness or just enjoying yourself; just Hot, Hot damn you. Have we said HOT enough times yet?

We’re not entirely sure where this particular steaming turd came from, as it was sent in anonymously. It appears to be some sort of Australian women’s supplement. Although it doesn’t officially qualify for our weekly top 10 (not being from the British media, an’ all), it certainly qualifies as sexist shite.

 

And that brings us to the end of another Week in Sexist News. As you may have seen, we’re working on a little experiment this week; namely comparing the coverage of men’s and women’s sport in the mainstream printed papers. As part of this study, we’ve had to acquire copies of them all, and it’s not been a pleasant experience as we’re sure you can imagine. Rusty is refusing (quite rightly) to pay real, actual money for the privilege, and has been rooting through the bins; and Alys almost died of shame at the checkout in Penzance Sainsbury’s on Monday when she was forced to buy not only The Times, but also – god forbid – The Daily Star, which is only 20p for a very good reason. The crowdfunder for our group therapy sessions will be up shortly. Until next week then, dear readers, and remember to send us your Sexist Newsworthy finds!

The Sexist Newsroom Team xxx

 

 

 

 



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