It’s been a week in Sexist Newsland, it really has. Our valiant journalists have once again surpassed themselves, putting letters and words in order on pages, as the ever patient photographers selflessly spend endless hours with their long lenses, hiding out just offshore in international holiday spots or waiting outside schools, lest a celeb take her reputation into her hands and do the school run in her trackie bottoms.
We plough through this excuse for news like professionals all week. We don’t mind though, we love it really…NO it’s fine, really, you can thank us later…..We do it so you don’t have to.*
So here folks, for your frustration-inducing enjoyment, is The Week in Sexist News!!
*………..please send help
10) WISE COUNSEL MY ARSE
This week the Daily Mail devoted a sizeable amount of its time and space in its print edition, ‘drafting’ a letter from Tess Daly to their resident agony aunt (because all the other letters they receive are absolutely authentic, you see). Anyways, in return we decided to ‘draft’ a letter to the Daily Mail… ‘Dear Daily Mail, Kindly fuck the fuck off. Regards, Womenkind.’
9) STOCKing ANSWER
The Sun, 26 Mar 2016
Where do they get these stories from?* I can think of erm…….. yep…. precisely none of my friends who are swapping tights for stockings. It’s either a palaver of sticky elastic cutting into your thighs and flipping itself over or WORSE – it involves donning a ridiculous contraption of hooks akin to something you’d find in an abattoir. It’s sexy for approximately 5 mins, after which you are left with a belt chafing and dragging at your waist as the blethering nylon bastards make a bid for your knees.
OH YEAH Mr Sun Editor, YOU try and keep YOUR cool whilst all that is going on in the 2 mins it takes to get from your car to a restaurant!!
Sexy!?!! I end up walking like a constipated chicken.
*It’s almost like it’s a ruse just to feature a whole load of sexy underwear pics…
8) FARAGE AFFRAY
Nigel Farage has warned UK Wimmin that their emancipation and liberation will be lost and they will risk being sexually harassed and sexually abused in public spaces. A young man in London when asked his opinion said “well it’s not on, all those foreigners coming over here and abusing our women, like this one here….Corrrrrr look at the rack on that beauty…Alright darlin’…… nice tits!”
20 year old student Gloria Lamp was said to have remarked: “How will we know the f**king difference?”
7) MIND THE GAP IN LOGIC
Stupid wimmin are obsessing about thigh gaps. The Mail this week speculates at the causes of such body dysmorphia in a story placed (without irony) alongside 100 links of click-bait nip-slips, wardrobe malfunctions and completely unremarkable shopping trips.
THE BIG QUESTION THOUGH…..what if I can’t afford gold and don’t have a thigh gap? Could I just paint my tampon string gold? Come to think of it, with some simple home craft you could be an excellent addition to any office or workplace. A bit of practice and a magnet and you could use it to pick up stray paper clips…..
6) SHHHHHH SECRET SLIMMERS
The Sun, 30 Mar 2016
YES British women have “diet secrets”. We’re definitely not telling the men because everybody knows they can be whatever weight they like, are never looking for a partner and NEVER diet EVER.
Diet secrets are covered by a special code of secrecy and only shared amongst small, closed groups of women. Which is why the under-25s are so good at it… they can use things like Snapchat. Here in the Sexist Newsroom we’re still delivering covert messages by carrier pigeon: “Pssssstttt Oy Fanny… put down that quiche!”
5) AND THIS WEEK’S LIFE IS OFFICIALLY TOO SHORT FOR THIS SHIT MOMENT IS…..
“Who ME? Daily Mail? ME? Sod off. Shave YOUR arms and leave me alone, I’m reading.”
4) THEY DON’T SELL IT IN GARDEN CENTRES
The Sun, 30 Mar 2016
Aside from the obvious response of WHY THE FLUB would any woman need to “spruce” up her pubic hair, probably the best thing about this piece is The Sun’s obvious discomfort in politely describing THE VAGINA AND PUBIC REGION. It reads like it was written by my friend’s Nan, who insisted on calling her vagina “tuppence”, which I imagine would thrill War & Peace’s Tuppence Middleton no end. “Down below”, “downstairs”, “intimate area”, “My Special Magic Place!”…whatever year is this?
Incidentally, in my world, sprucing up my downstairs involves emptying the cat litter & re-organising the pile of take away menus into alphabetical order.
3) CRACK OPEN A COLD ONE
The Sun, 30 Mar 2016
Next week a Sun journalist makes cheese on Pippa Middleton’s arse crack. Which will ‘not smell or taste like arse crack’ but have an air of ‘arse-based instincts’.
2) ALL BALLS PLEASE
The Sun, 30 Mar 2016
Wimmin in Sport!!
Worried you are wasting your time? Frustrated at the dismal media coverage you get?
Easy. Simply get hit in the head by a flying ball, fall over and this will win you an entire page in The Sun online!
Yep it seems The Sun, despite their sporting legacy, will only report on women’s sport if it’s something that either makes women look A) a bit daft or B) a sexual object.
Not to be outdone we’ve been having a think, and suggestions so far include a minor impaling by javelin at women’s athletics (just a toe should do it) and a goal celebration that somehow incorporates a Charlie Chaplin style slapstick routine. Please feel free to think of your own, you can send your ideas in to firstname.lastname@example.org*
*this email address obviously doesn’t exist
1) BUSTING OUT A TANTRUM
Sorry, wonders, but THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED! ‘Bust in Britain’ is an actual thing in an actual newspaper in 2016.
When my friend’s little boy gets carried away he’s sent to sit in the hall for some ‘time out’. “Leo. You don’t stick pencils in your sister’s ear. Time out.” And he lollops off to cogitate on the fact that sticking a sharpened pencil in his sister’s ear perhaps wasn’t his best idea.
So what is going on at the Sun? A lot of people were involved in evolving Bust in Britain from first creative thought to double-paged spread. Why did no one step in?
“Now Siobhan, you’re a great journo, and I know we all had a heavy Easter but I think it would be best for all if you just jizz off to Pret a Manger for 15 minutes and think about your life for a bit.”
“No buts, Siobhan, you just pitched an idea where women put blusher on their boobs and send us the pics. Time out” would have done it.
Special mention goes to the Guardian this week, who somehow managed to do an entire 12 page sport pull-out with NO WOMEN’S SPORT save for the one tiny thumbnail of Paula Radcliffe!? Slow hand clap for you, The Guardian; frankly you should know better.
In honesty though it was The Sun who firmly wore the crown of misogynistic wankbadgery this week. Yep, incapable as they are of maturing, the Sun editorial team are essentially like toddlers with no boundaries behaving more and more outrageously.
They are a small child screaming and holding its winky in public.
We will be back next week with yet more of this insanity. Until then… Let’s hope Tony Gallagher has a moment of distraction and gets his cock trapped in his desk drawer.