dinosaur avocado

NMP3 & THE WEEK IN SEXIST NEWS 25/03/2016

Greetings, readers, from the Sexist Newsroom – here to furnish you with your usual weekly dose of the bad, the bad and the frankly, fugly.

After a quiet start whilst column inches were instead devoted to extra scaremongering and thinly-veiled racism, our journos came back fighting; ramping the amplifiers of sexist wankbadgery up to 11 like a Fleet Street reimagining of the Spinal Tap movie, with Tony Gallagher on drums, Hugh Whittow on bass guitar and Richard Desmond on lead vocals.

This time though, it is not your ears but your eyes that will emit that high-pitched hum as they register the full-throttle bass of rampant misogyny. Prepare yourself folks: you know the drill by now; whilst consuming this shit sandwich, please take all usual precautions with beverages.

 

11) Top of the paps

Jessica Alba showcases her toned figure in a skimpy bikini as she soaks up the sun in Hawaii Mirror Online

The Daily Mirror, 23/03/2016

Yes. Jessica Alba hung out on the beach in a glass cabinet to make it easier for the press to photograph her. Similarly other celebs have decided to aid the paparazzi; Kim Kardashian has been seen chillaxing on a plinth, Kelly Brook has decided to live in the window of a branch of Debenhams and Cheryl Cole has made a little nest for a photographer in her knicker drawer.

10) Who will think of the Star photographers?

Will starkers selfies never end Chelsea Handler is latest to join nude squad Celebs Celebrity News Gossip Rumours Photos Daily Star

The Daily Star, 23/03/2016

Since this is tits ‘n’ arse comic, The Daily Star, we can only surmise that their issue with ‘starkers selfies’ is that the women in question are taking the photographs. Thus denying the bunch of despondent perverts with Nikons on The Star’s payroll the priapic pleasure of capturing minge shots themselves.

 

9) Pun Run

Screenshot 2016-03-24 10.21.48

The Sun, 24/03/2016 (IC)

We’re assuming that The Sun has had a memo from the Palace press office requesting that when writing about Pippa Middleton, sister of our future queen, they must use one or all of the following words: phwoar, saucy, bum, arse, patooty, rump, derriere, crack and ba-donk-a-donk-donk.

 

8) Try the new look, we call it ‘fridge face’

Want to look like this Dig the greek yoghurt out of the fridge and use it on your FACE says beauty blogger

The Sun, 22/03/2016

I’m not sure about you LAYDEEES but I don’t have Greek yoghurt, goji berries or avocado in my kitchen. In fact I’ve just visited the fridge to check and the best I can come up with is some sausages, butter, a large leek and a four and a half bottles of white wine. So my plan is to make a sausage sandwich and get plastered. After which I may have some suggestions for the Sun editorial team involving the leek.

 

7) And this week’s do what now to my body moment is…

 

From Brazilian bum lift to fat freezing Sexy Danielle Lloyd says she s all bikini ready

The Sun, 24/03/2016

Danielle Lloyd, a ‘babe’, has had a fourth bum lift (a lift for the fourth time, or does she have 4 bums? Is this like chins??) She also had the fat on her abdomen frozen so that she can wear a bikini without looking like beached whale OR a woman with a very small amount of subcutaneous fat on exactly the place you’d expect to find subcutaneous fat. Also, what happens if one is not ‘bikini ready’? Will you not be issued one? Will the nice lady in BHS turn nasty? And why is it only bikinis we have to be ready for? I find skinny jeans present a far bigger challenge. I sometimes need a run up.

 

6) Pure comedy

Harry arrives to a warm welcome from five virgins The Times

The Times, 21/03/2016 (IC)

Prince Harry was delighted to be greeted by 5 lovely virgins. He spent some time chatting with Keith, Malcolm, Steve, Rick and Dave before taking a tour of Durbar Square in the heart of the Nepalese capital’s old town.

 

5) Fashion Flange

10633275_10154200820046535_8632857023473850779_o

The Sun, 18/03/2016

Caitlin Moran recently wrote (excellently) in The Times about how the next big Fashion Thing should be the ‘prominent mons’. We’re stoked that The Sun is on board. We hear tell that Vogue are working on a ‘Voluminous Wizard’s Sleeve’ feature.

 

4) Pssst The Sun, you’ve seen naked ladies before…

Geri Halliwell NAKED Old glamour modelling shots emerge of ex Spice Girl

The Sun, 24/03/2016

This week’s woman who must be shamed for previous nudity is……… and hang on a jeffing minute The Sun, she modelled for you. Are YOU chaps saying glamour modelling is unwholesome? Interesting.

 

3) Next tot model (sorry, pun-vom)

Sisters become youngest style starlets on Instagram

The Sun, 23/03/2016

Yeah, sharing a swathe of photos of two and three year old girls posing like fashion models isn’t at all creepy The Sun. This sort of thing is in NO WAY connected to viewing women as just things for looking at in various states of dressedness.

 

2) Fucksake Capacitor

Screenshot 2016-03-24 11.48.14

The Daily Express, 23/03/2016

What is wrong with all these women that insist on being subject to the RAVAGES of TIME? Jane, didn’t you get them memo? To be fashionable and relevant you must be aged between two and twenty. If you can’t manage time travel then you must try not to appear to be decaying too obviously in public. Here are some ace tips: dunk your face in a Müller Fruit Corner, thrash about in a bath of mashed avocado and goji berries, have four arse lifts and sleep in a chest freezer.

1) Rhetorical Question

What will happen to Adam Johnson when the disgraced Sunderland star is released from prison Chronicle LiveChronicle Live, 24/03/2016

The only answer to this is, of course, “Who gives a flying flan of fuck?”

And on a related note. we’ll just leave this one here. We trust you’ll have a rough idea of who said it; also there have been quite enough unpleasant words on this blog for one day.
Katie Hopkins backs convicted paedo Adam Johnson and blasts victim UK News Daily Express

So that’s your lot for this week folks. We hope it was slightly less painful for you than it was for us – as the weeks roll on we must confess it does all rather make one want to staple one’s eyelids permanently shut.

Don’t worry about us though: we can no longer feel the pain. Having become somewhat bored with cooking up makeshift beauty regimes out of the various contents of our fridge and kitchen cupboards (and finishing all the wine) we have now moved onto the garden shed. Nurse Lard is performing facials with a combination of paint thinner and some old Swarfega, whilst Iris is trying a spot of hair removal with some industrial sealant. We’ll be back next week for more fun and games and to give you a vital update on which personal essentials to look out for when you’re next in B&Q…

In case you would like to back ratifying the Istanbul Convention which aims to tackle discrimination and violence against women and girls, take a look at I.C. Change petition

And read more about it on our site here.

 



'NMP3 & THE WEEK IN SEXIST NEWS 25/03/2016' have 5 comments

  1. 25th March 2016 @ 2:44 pm Jeannie

    I’ve been wondering what to do with the left over green wood stain in my shed for ages. Thankyou for such a useful beauty tip, I really should have thought of it sooner.

    Reply

  2. 25th March 2016 @ 11:59 pm Astro

    Wankbadger = day made 🙂

    Reply

  3. 31st March 2016 @ 12:49 am mali

    Oh, I have missed The Week in Sexist News! So glad you’re back! Sitting here in a pleasant red wine haze after an evening of canvassing (for the women and their equality!), trying not to let Trump’s insane ramblings about abortion spoil my happy glow, and then you show up in my newsfeed and make me chortle in a most unladylike and unseemly fashion! Thank the stars for funny and intelligent women. Thank you x 100000000!

    Reply

  4. 2nd June 2016 @ 4:32 am Chupacabras

    All the MPs who have defended Jamie Briggs’s behaviour or bemoaned his resignation are walking past and accepting the sexist treatment of women.

    Reply


Would you like to share your thoughts?

Your email address will not be published.

Design by Frampton Creative / Content by No More Page 3 Sexist News Team

%d bloggers like this: