Greetings, readers, from the Sexist Newsroom – here to furnish you with your usual weekly dose of the bad, the bad and the frankly, fugly.
After a quiet start whilst column inches were instead devoted to extra scaremongering and thinly-veiled racism, our journos came back fighting; ramping the amplifiers of sexist wankbadgery up to 11 like a Fleet Street reimagining of the Spinal Tap movie, with Tony Gallagher on drums, Hugh Whittow on bass guitar and Richard Desmond on lead vocals.
This time though, it is not your ears but your eyes that will emit that high-pitched hum as they register the full-throttle bass of rampant misogyny. Prepare yourself folks: you know the drill by now; whilst consuming this shit sandwich, please take all usual precautions with beverages.
11) Top of the paps
The Daily Mirror, 23/03/2016
Yes. Jessica Alba hung out on the beach in a glass cabinet to make it easier for the press to photograph her. Similarly other celebs have decided to aid the paparazzi; Kim Kardashian has been seen chillaxing on a plinth, Kelly Brook has decided to live in the window of a branch of Debenhams and Cheryl Cole has made a little nest for a photographer in her knicker drawer.
10) Who will think of the Star photographers?
The Daily Star, 23/03/2016
Since this is tits ‘n’ arse comic, The Daily Star, we can only surmise that their issue with ‘starkers selfies’ is that the women in question are taking the photographs. Thus denying the bunch of despondent perverts with Nikons on The Star’s payroll the priapic pleasure of capturing minge shots themselves.
9) Pun Run
The Sun, 24/03/2016 (IC)
We’re assuming that The Sun has had a memo from the Palace press office requesting that when writing about Pippa Middleton, sister of our future queen, they must use one or all of the following words: phwoar, saucy, bum, arse, patooty, rump, derriere, crack and ba-donk-a-donk-donk.
8) Try the new look, we call it ‘fridge face’
The Sun, 22/03/2016
I’m not sure about you LAYDEEES but I don’t have Greek yoghurt, goji berries or avocado in my kitchen. In fact I’ve just visited the fridge to check and the best I can come up with is some sausages, butter, a large leek and a four and a half bottles of white wine. So my plan is to make a sausage sandwich and get plastered. After which I may have some suggestions for the Sun editorial team involving the leek.
7) And this week’s do what now to my body moment is…
The Sun, 24/03/2016
Danielle Lloyd, a ‘babe’, has had a fourth bum lift (a lift for the fourth time, or does she have 4 bums? Is this like chins??) She also had the fat on her abdomen frozen so that she can wear a bikini without looking like beached whale OR a woman with a very small amount of subcutaneous fat on exactly the place you’d expect to find subcutaneous fat. Also, what happens if one is not ‘bikini ready’? Will you not be issued one? Will the nice lady in BHS turn nasty? And why is it only bikinis we have to be ready for? I find skinny jeans present a far bigger challenge. I sometimes need a run up.
6) Pure comedy
The Times, 21/03/2016 (IC)
Prince Harry was delighted to be greeted by 5 lovely virgins. He spent some time chatting with Keith, Malcolm, Steve, Rick and Dave before taking a tour of Durbar Square in the heart of the Nepalese capital’s old town.
5) Fashion Flange
The Sun, 18/03/2016
Caitlin Moran recently wrote (excellently) in The Times about how the next big Fashion Thing should be the ‘prominent mons’. We’re stoked that The Sun is on board. We hear tell that Vogue are working on a ‘Voluminous Wizard’s Sleeve’ feature.
4) Pssst The Sun, you’ve seen naked ladies before…
The Sun, 24/03/2016
This week’s woman who must be shamed for previous nudity is……… and hang on a jeffing minute The Sun, she modelled for you. Are YOU chaps saying glamour modelling is unwholesome? Interesting.
3) Next tot model (sorry, pun-vom)
The Sun, 23/03/2016
Yeah, sharing a swathe of photos of two and three year old girls posing like fashion models isn’t at all creepy The Sun. This sort of thing is in NO WAY connected to viewing women as just things for looking at in various states of dressedness.
2) Fucksake Capacitor
The Daily Express, 23/03/2016
What is wrong with all these women that insist on being subject to the RAVAGES of TIME? Jane, didn’t you get them memo? To be fashionable and relevant you must be aged between two and twenty. If you can’t manage time travel then you must try not to appear to be decaying too obviously in public. Here are some ace tips: dunk your face in a Müller Fruit Corner, thrash about in a bath of mashed avocado and goji berries, have four arse lifts and sleep in a chest freezer.
1) Rhetorical Question
Chronicle Live, 24/03/2016
The only answer to this is, of course, “Who gives a flying flan of fuck?”
And on a related note. we’ll just leave this one here. We trust you’ll have a rough idea of who said it; also there have been quite enough unpleasant words on this blog for one day.
So that’s your lot for this week folks. We hope it was slightly less painful for you than it was for us – as the weeks roll on we must confess it does all rather make one want to staple one’s eyelids permanently shut.
Don’t worry about us though: we can no longer feel the pain. Having become somewhat bored with cooking up makeshift beauty regimes out of the various contents of our fridge and kitchen cupboards (and finishing all the wine) we have now moved onto the garden shed. Nurse Lard is performing facials with a combination of paint thinner and some old Swarfega, whilst Iris is trying a spot of hair removal with some industrial sealant. We’ll be back next week for more fun and games and to give you a vital update on which personal essentials to look out for when you’re next in B&Q…
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