It’s been another busy week in Newspaper Land, as the Government announced its 2016 Budget. The cameras were all focused on raven-haired George Osborne as he stepped out clutching his red briefcase, while showcasing a distinct lack of financial acumen. The 44 year-old father of two posed in a daring navy suit during the outing, and smiled for paparazzi as he presented his latest plan to kill the poor and make his friends even richer “put the next generation first”. Our tabloid journalists’ eyes, however, were focused somewhere else entirely. Grab a cuppa, take a deep breath, and don’t say we didn’t warn you…


10) Brass neck

FEMAIL writer tries Botox in her neck and is impressed with the results Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail, 13/03/2016 (NL, IC)

Wimmin!! You may have dieted yourself into size 10 frocks, exercised yourself to the point of chafed exhaustion and moisturised so heavily that you suspect you may always feel slightly moist to the touch and sex has become some tricky human equivalent of a “slip and slide” but take heed: we have an all-new “problem area” for you to shame yourself over………”The Tech neck”.

Yes, those champions of body-positivity at the Daily Mail have found another pus-encrusted stick with which to bash women who are brazen enough to decay in public and this one is OUR FAULT.

Bloody working women. We’ve further ruined ourselves this time by exacerbating “Mother Nature’s natural wear and tear” with our addictions to iPads, smartphones and the like.

Anyway, as a woman of a certain age, I have a number of attractive options to tackle this issue:

1) Lie on my back in a darkened room with no technology for the next 10 years

2) Disguise my craggy and terrifying neck with swathes of Liberty scarves-cum-death-traps

3) Have an unscrupulous medical professional INJECT A TOXIN INTO MY NECK

4) Give zero fucks


9) Paper Weight

Is your waist the same size as a piece of A4 paper Bizarre body trend sweeps internet Real Life Tragic Funny Strange Uplifting Stories from the UK Daily Star

The Daily Star, 15/03/2016, (MF)

In my office, we love a bit of stationery; I sit staring at a wall of post-it notes that allow me to be as passive aggressive as possible about the office fridge. I find heart shaped ones work particularly well when trying to protect dairy items from grubby cheese thieves.

So while we might weigh up (see what I did there) the merits of hole punchers and the perfect staple size, we have yet to stray into the realms of what-ever-the-fuck this is.

No. 1) don’t compare your body to someone else’s: live in and enjoy your body because it’s yours.

No. 2) paper cuts hurt people, and that shit is real.


8) Woman exposes bare face and doesn’t melt into a puddle of goo

Jodie Marsh ditches her usual heavy make up for the natural look after a tiny bit of Botox Daily Mail Online

Screen Shot 2016-03-17 at 22.42.49

The Daily Mail, 17/03/2016, (IC)

She’s taken her false eyelashes off Daily Mail. Would you like us to sit with you while you breathe into a paper bag?

7) 20 year old is naturally slim

Kendall Jenner hasn t worked out once since walking in the Victoria s Secret show Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail, 16/03/2016 (SC)

This Sexist News reporter, dear reader, has never been in a gym. I do however shout at Kirsty ‘n’ Phil on the tellybox. Is that not a sport?


6) Keeping it real

Mums strip off to take Kim Kardashian selfies to show what real women look like

The Sun, –/03/2016 (MF)

Oh god, I still remember the day I found out that Kim Kardashian’s body wasn’t real… It was the end of childhood for me

Everyone at school knew and they were all laughing at me. In the end my parents had to sit me down and explain that, as much as I might want to believe in Kim Kardashian’s body, now that I was a big girl, I needed to understand that it was a figment of my imagination. They also patiently explained that the term ‘real’ bodies was a thing that magazines and newspapers used when they wanted to neg all the women in the UK shortly before showing them a countdown of smoking hot women they will never ever look like.

5) Woman leaves house with breasts

Take Me Out Presenter Paddy McGuinness wife Christine sizzles in eye popping outfit for relaxed date day

The Sun, –/03/2016 (NL, IC)

Why are adults, with presumably enough firing synapses to use Microsoft Word, using the word Booby? Both my kids used to ask for “Booby” when they were breastfeeding toddlers. I suppose we cannot rule out the possibility that The Sun‘s executive board is comprised of toddlers still being breastfed.


4) Woman travels through time

You ll never GUESS what Jane Harris from Neighbours looks like now... TV Radio Showbiz TV Daily Express

The Daily Express, 13/03/2016, (IC, NL)

OMFG SRSLY, she’s grown a third EYE.

Oh. Actually you might believe it. She literally looks exactly the same but older. She has the same hair. And face. I know. Un-chuffing-believable.


3) Presenter haunted by own self in the niff

Tess Daly is still haunted by the her naughty nudity in a 90s video

The Sun, –/03/2016, (IC, DT, DF, JW, MF)

This is interesting. The Sun once waxed lyrical about the youth and freshness of Page 3 nudity, insisting that it was no more sexual than a spot of high tea with Mary Whitehouse. But it now seems they’ve rebranded nudity as ‘racy’… I thought we were supposed to be the prudes.

Tess, it seems, has fallen prey to a combination of piss-poor journalism, any old ropey excuse to print risqué pics whilst shaming the woman they’re perving over and side helping of hypocrisy.

Tess, if it’s any consolation, after a discussion in the Newsroom last night, it seems our combined fashion choices are far more haunting than you getting your kit off for 5 minutes… Can we interest anyone in a brown crushed velvet A-line maxi skirt accessorised with chicken feathers, a choker, black lipstick and a wet-look perm? …Anyone?


2) An eyeful lot of sexism


12832377_1704760473105209_6791612530468459638_n (1)

The Daily Mail (and all the others), 16/03/2016, (RG, IC)

Theresa May, wanton Home Secretary, attended the Budget with her breasts exposed before rubbing herself repeatedly against the Ministerial Box in the manner of a lusty terrier.

No, course not. But you’d be forgiven for thinking so the way our ‘snigger, snort, I just saw some boobies’ press carried on. In actual fact all she did was sit near George Osborne, while he gleefully outlined reducing the money that disabled people need to stay alive and stuff, whilst wearing a top which showed about an inch and a half of boob crack. Anyone would think our press was edited by posh boys who fantasise about a sturdy, formidable matron tucking them snugly in during term time.


  1. Shame Game

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN on what those hideous scenes at Cheltenham tell us Daily Mail Online copy2 RICHARD LITTLEJOHN on what those hideous scenes at Cheltenham tell us Daily Mail Online
The Daily Mail, 17/03/2016, (IC)

Ah, ‘The death of shame!’. Too right, Littlejohn, we couldn’t agree more. It seems long gone is the decency to be ashamed of disgusting, anti-social behaviour put about for all to see.

Of course, we’re talking about you.

You should be ashamed of referring to women as, and I quote: ‘hideous, drunken slatterns’, ‘gin-sodden strumpets’, ‘gormless slag[s]’, ‘wanton women’ and ‘ten-quid King’s Cross prostitutes’. And you hilariously suggest those you’re writing about have no class.

Imagine if we referred to you as a ‘puffed-up, malodorous bell-end’ or a ‘classist, toad-faced misogynist’ or a ‘crass, click-baiting arse biscuit’. Imagine that. We’d almost possibly be thoroughly ashamed of ourselves.

And so that concludes our paddle through what passes for news. We were somewhat spoiled for choice; there were other delights involving Susanna Reid, faux leather, 45 age-defying celebrities, vodka-soaked tampons, women dating younger men (oh the humanity), several thousand diet tips, some fertility doom-mongering, a gammy eye and a bowl of Angel Delight.

So, if you’ll excuse us we’ve got to mince about in faux leather accessorised with vodka-soaked tampons, we’ll be sexually eating Angel Delight, checking our necks for decomposition, flaunting our cleavages and comparing our abs to some flip chart paper. It’s very tiring being lady-people.

Until next week glorious readers.


P.S. In amongst all the breasts in parliament, our government has been slashing funding to necessary services. This has affected the Women’s Refuge in Carlisle, which may soon close. Please sign the petition to save this vital service:


'NMP3 & THE WEEK IN SEXIST NEWS 18/03/2016' have 4 comments

  1. 18th March 2016 @ 10:14 am Badders911

    Thank you for shining your spotlight on the total load of effluent continually guffed out by the shameful but shameless British tabloid press. Aside from focusing on May’s clevage without any speculation about Osborne’s dick for parity, I see the direction of reporting remains dismally shallow at the Daily Fail.

    Reading the sub-heading on Britain’s most read ‘newspaper’ and knowing that 23million people lap that crap up every month is depressing. Osborne again failed to meet targets he set himself, vulnerable people are dying from sanctions yet ooooh look there’s £1.5bn available for schools,….funny that, now that they’re going to privatise all of them…


    • 20th March 2016 @ 5:51 am Fred Mumford

      Wot a conundrum !
      An actual page 3 girl and her friend flashing their boobs for the camera at the VIP area at Cheltenham races and Richard Littlejohn at the Mail comparing it and other unpleasant antics that happened that day as a modern day Hogarth painting .
      But who do you hate most ?
      Richard Littlejohn or actual p3 girls ?
      Let’s go with Littlejohn this time for the abuse and forget you were originally called no more page 3 and had it in for them !.
      You couldn’t make it up etc as RL himself would say


      • 21st March 2016 @ 11:11 am Iris Clot

        Dear Fred, question is what do you hate most? Feminism or that our responding to the sexism in our press is nuanced? Answer on a postcard to Strawman Arguments, PO Box 80085 LONDON


  2. 18th March 2016 @ 11:20 am Jeannie

    So what’s Cliff Richard’s excuse for his crinkly neck then? Or any other gentleman of a certain age who acquired this crinkliness through the perfectly natural process of growing older? Why are they not in the least bit perturbed by it and why does the media seem to ignore it? Shouldn’t they be warned about their terrible affliction?


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