It’s been another busy week in Newspaper Land, as the Government announced its 2016 Budget. The cameras were all focused on raven-haired George Osborne as he stepped out clutching his red briefcase, while showcasing a distinct lack of financial acumen. The 44 year-old father of two posed in a daring navy suit during the outing, and smiled for paparazzi as he presented his latest plan to
kill the poor and make his friends even richer “put the next generation first”. Our tabloid journalists’ eyes, however, were focused somewhere else entirely. Grab a cuppa, take a deep breath, and don’t say we didn’t warn you…
10) Brass neck
The Daily Mail, 13/03/2016 (NL, IC)
Wimmin!! You may have dieted yourself into size 10 frocks, exercised yourself to the point of chafed exhaustion and moisturised so heavily that you suspect you may always feel slightly moist to the touch and sex has become some tricky human equivalent of a “slip and slide” but take heed: we have an all-new “problem area” for you to shame yourself over………”The Tech neck”.
Yes, those champions of body-positivity at the Daily Mail have found another pus-encrusted stick with which to bash women who are brazen enough to decay in public and this one is OUR FAULT.
Bloody working women. We’ve further ruined ourselves this time by exacerbating “Mother Nature’s natural wear and tear” with our addictions to iPads, smartphones and the like.
Anyway, as a woman of a certain age, I have a number of attractive options to tackle this issue:
1) Lie on my back in a darkened room with no technology for the next 10 years
2) Disguise my craggy and terrifying neck with swathes of Liberty scarves-cum-death-traps
3) Have an unscrupulous medical professional INJECT A TOXIN INTO MY NECK
4) Give zero fucks
9) Paper Weight
The Daily Star, 15/03/2016, (MF)
In my office, we love a bit of stationery; I sit staring at a wall of post-it notes that allow me to be as passive aggressive as possible about the office fridge. I find heart shaped ones work particularly well when trying to protect dairy items from grubby cheese thieves.
So while we might weigh up (see what I did there) the merits of hole punchers and the perfect staple size, we have yet to stray into the realms of what-ever-the-fuck this is.
No. 1) don’t compare your body to someone else’s: live in and enjoy your body because it’s yours.
No. 2) paper cuts hurt people, and that shit is real.
8) Woman exposes bare face and doesn’t melt into a puddle of goo
The Daily Mail, 17/03/2016, (IC)
She’s taken her false eyelashes off Daily Mail. Would you like us to sit with you while you breathe into a paper bag?
7) 20 year old is naturally slim
The Daily Mail, 16/03/2016 (SC)
This Sexist News reporter, dear reader, has never been in a gym. I do however shout at Kirsty ‘n’ Phil on the tellybox. Is that not a sport?
6) Keeping it real
The Sun, –/03/2016 (MF)
Oh god, I still remember the day I found out that Kim Kardashian’s body wasn’t real… It was the end of childhood for me
Everyone at school knew and they were all laughing at me. In the end my parents had to sit me down and explain that, as much as I might want to believe in Kim Kardashian’s body, now that I was a big girl, I needed to understand that it was a figment of my imagination. They also patiently explained that the term ‘real’ bodies was a thing that magazines and newspapers used when they wanted to neg all the women in the UK shortly before showing them a countdown of smoking hot women they will never ever look like.
5) Woman leaves house with breasts
The Sun, –/03/2016 (NL, IC)
Why are adults, with presumably enough firing synapses to use Microsoft Word, using the word Booby? Both my kids used to ask for “Booby” when they were breastfeeding toddlers. I suppose we cannot rule out the possibility that The Sun‘s executive board is comprised of toddlers still being breastfed.
4) Woman travels through time
The Daily Express, 13/03/2016, (IC, NL)
OMFG SRSLY, she’s grown a third EYE.
Oh. Actually you might believe it. She literally looks exactly the same but older. She has the same hair. And face. I know. Un-chuffing-believable.
3) Presenter haunted by own self in the niff
The Sun, –/03/2016, (IC, DT, DF, JW, MF)
This is interesting. The Sun once waxed lyrical about the youth and freshness of Page 3 nudity, insisting that it was no more sexual than a spot of high tea with Mary Whitehouse. But it now seems they’ve rebranded nudity as ‘racy’… I thought we were supposed to be the prudes.
Tess, it seems, has fallen prey to a combination of piss-poor journalism, any old ropey excuse to print risqué pics whilst shaming the woman they’re perving over and side helping of hypocrisy.
Tess, if it’s any consolation, after a discussion in the Newsroom last night, it seems our combined fashion choices are far more haunting than you getting your kit off for 5 minutes… Can we interest anyone in a brown crushed velvet A-line maxi skirt accessorised with chicken feathers, a choker, black lipstick and a wet-look perm? …Anyone?
2) An eyeful lot of sexism
The Daily Mail (and all the others), 16/03/2016, (RG, IC)
Theresa May, wanton Home Secretary, attended the Budget with her breasts exposed before rubbing herself repeatedly against the Ministerial Box in the manner of a lusty terrier.
No, course not. But you’d be forgiven for thinking so the way our ‘snigger, snort, I just saw some boobies’ press carried on. In actual fact all she did was sit near George Osborne, while he gleefully outlined reducing the money that disabled people need to stay alive and stuff, whilst wearing a top which showed about an inch and a half of boob crack. Anyone would think our press was edited by posh boys who fantasise about a sturdy, formidable matron tucking them snugly in during term time.
The Daily Mail, 17/03/2016, (IC)
Ah, ‘The death of shame!’. Too right, Littlejohn, we couldn’t agree more. It seems long gone is the decency to be ashamed of disgusting, anti-social behaviour put about for all to see.
Of course, we’re talking about you.
You should be ashamed of referring to women as, and I quote: ‘hideous, drunken slatterns’, ‘gin-sodden strumpets’, ‘gormless slag[s]’, ‘wanton women’ and ‘ten-quid King’s Cross prostitutes’. And you hilariously suggest those you’re writing about have no class.
Imagine if we referred to you as a ‘puffed-up, malodorous bell-end’ or a ‘classist, toad-faced misogynist’ or a ‘crass, click-baiting arse biscuit’. Imagine that. We’d almost possibly be thoroughly ashamed of ourselves.
And so that concludes our paddle through what passes for news. We were somewhat spoiled for choice; there were other delights involving Susanna Reid, faux leather, 45 age-defying celebrities, vodka-soaked tampons, women dating younger men (oh the humanity), several thousand diet tips, some fertility doom-mongering, a gammy eye and a bowl of Angel Delight.
So, if you’ll excuse us we’ve got to mince about in faux leather accessorised with vodka-soaked tampons, we’ll be sexually eating Angel Delight, checking our necks for decomposition, flaunting our cleavages and comparing our abs to some flip chart paper. It’s very tiring being lady-people.
Until next week glorious readers.
P.S. In amongst all the breasts in parliament, our government has been slashing funding to necessary services. This has affected the Women’s Refuge in Carlisle, which may soon close. Please sign the petition to save this vital service: