Welcome to the first NMP3 Week in Sexist News!
It’s been quite a week, and not just for us. While we’ve been ferreting around in the bottom of the journalistic barrel, it seems our old pal and former Sun editor, Dave Dinsmore was convicted of breaching the sexual offences act. Strange, he always seemed to have so much integrity. Anyway, we won’t lie, the rest of this isn’t much better. Best put the kettle on and brace yourselves…
10) Clothes Horse
The Telegraph, 07/03/2016 (IC)
I can’t help but wonder about the headline. Is it me or is The Telegraph encouraging adult human women to take style tips from someone who only recently developed teeth? Also, why not scream excitedly in the headline about Prince George’s on-trend hat with enormous bobble? I was fretting needlessly though, the rest of the family’s wardrobe is also excitedly dissected. And ladies, your perseverance will be rewarded. At the bottom of the article online you can view a gallery of every single outfit of Kate’s. Every. Single. One.
Basically, the entire piece is less like news and more like an advert for ski-wear, which I’m sure is brilliant if you like skiing but can’t dress yourself without right-wing press assistance. I can’t possibly comment as I’m a pleb. The closest thing I’ve been to skiing is marking down salopettes when I worked at H&M, and at the time I thought they were some form of terrifying maternity trouser.
Mail Online, 07/03/2016 (NL,IC)
We didn’t even finish, Daily Mail. We tried, but you lost us when you simultaneously dissed all nurses and your article’s subject, so we knew early on we wouldn’t reach the conclusion. If you think about it, in effect, this article is the tabloid equivalent of a really, REALLY disappointing shag.
Metro, 10/03/2016 (AH, SC, IC)
Thinking of having a car accident? Are YOU wearing the right outfit? If YOU were wearing the wrong outfit, we provide a skilled legal team to deal with any offence caused and settle compensation for members of the public forced to witness your somewhat harrowing lack of style. Terms and conditions apply. Please note we reserve the right to refuse representation to anyone wearing leather chaps unless you’re Christina Aguilera.
7) Can you even have a pie without pastry?
The Times Magazine, 05/03/2016 (DT)
Hopeless munters! Want to know the secrets of looking ‘this good?’ Asks The Times Magazine. I spied this tosh on my slightly posher sister’s coffee table and almost borked my bourbon biscuit onto her shag pile. Who isn’t keen on trying weird shit in a bid to make one’s arse less baggy, one’s visage more luminous and one’s excrement more…glittery (I shit you not, there’s a pill for that – but that’s another story entirely).
Truth is, I mainly look in the mirror to establish how much of yesterday’s slap I can get away with leaving smeared under my eyes; to check for tooth paste stains on my cardie and if there are any of the kids’ stickers decorating my bosom. All this ‘love your body’ bollocks is wasted on me when I’m lucky if I get chance to dry my hair, let alone coax it into some coiffed curls a-top a sugared bun fresh-look face (mmmmm sugared buns).
I love my sister, but she’d probably deck me if I dished her up some bone broth and minging green eggs or PASTRYLESS apple pie (I can’t help thinking this is just…apple). My happily ordinary body definitely feels the same. I really don’t want to have to deck myself.
6) Weather presenter wears a dress
The Daily Express, 10/03/2016 (IC)
The Express continue their attempt at a thigh-rubbing world record over Carole Kirkwood and her curves. Since she must insist on wearing her breasts on telly everyday, looks like they’re going to need some protective gear for all that friction. Imagine all the static electricity. The Express office alone could probably power a modestly sized town. Maybe relentless, editorial perving could help solve the energy crisis…
Everyday is your birthday
The Daily Express, 10/03/2016 (IC)
Yes, women only give head on special occasions. Fact. Knock yourselves out lads, means hetero ladies will have more time to go shopping or something else they generically enjoy. Am sure it does a fabulous job. Reminds me a bit of one of those fancy peelers that turns a nice, firm carrot into spiral shavings.
The Daily Star, 07/03/2016 (NL)
Yes, a woman’s undercarriage was broadcast on the Beeb this week. We’re not sure if, during the three quarters of a second airing it got, it said anything. Though frankly, whatever it was we’re sold. Based on recent events we reckon even a barely audible queef would be an improvement on most of the news broadcast this week. Perhaps this is the most convincing replacement yet for Jeremy Clarkson.
The Sun, 10/03/2016 (NL)
All together now!! You puuuut Emma Watson’s knee in, Vorder’s knee out, Kim’s in, Liz’s out and sh….it the bed The Sun. Is this really all you have?
What is my motivation?
The Daily Star, 09/03/2016 (IC)
The Daily Star seem to be having some kind of malfunction.
Is a picture of a woman sort-of showing her nipples, writhing around getting sand in her unmentionables soft porn or just photos? Is a newspaper that relies on tits, arse and pixellated minge shots a newspaper or just grumble? Answers on a postcard to Richard Desmond, Television X, Portland Broadcasting Ltd, 4 Selsdon Way, London E14 9GL.
This deserves a re-write
The Times, 06/03/2016 (IC)
The Times‘ deputy editor felt sorry for a poor convicted rapist, wrote about it, included the term ‘loose women’ in a non-lunchertainment context and it got printed. Obviously a slow news week. So how about a slow clap? In between slow claps, dear readers, you might want to sign the IC Change petition to ratify the Istanbul Convention which aims to tackle violence against women and girls. You know: the kind that put Ched Evans on the Violent and Sex Offender Register indefinitely.
For more information on the Istanbul Convention and why we’re championing it, visit our webpage dedicated to the IC Change campaign: www.sexistnews.co.uk/the-istanbul-convention
And that concludes this week’s delightful deluge. We hope you’ve managed to scrape some enjoyment from what is essentially a small pyramid of manure.
Until next week beautiful people,
The Sexist Newsroom
This week’s round-up was brought to you by: Iris Clot, Nurse Lard, Alys Hellrotter, Delores Thrush and Sandra Carpet